A Happy Hyperventilation

I momentarily lost it last night. Shawn and I were sitting on our respective couches, I was grading (half-assedly, I should say) while watching Modern Family. At the end of the episode, the patriarch Jay (who emulates the Grinch throughout the episode) has snow blown onto the lawn of his daughter and son-in-law's home and the entire family goes out to play in said snow. In California. It's a nice thought.


Cue the montage-y scenes of the family laughing and throwing snowballs, building snowmen and....here's where I lost it....making snow angels.

Cam and Lily (father and toddler daughter) were there, lying in the snow, arms and legs outstretched, sweeping the ground in the most old-fashioned of ways. All of a sudden, I realized that, very soon, I too will have a daughter to watch sweep her sweet little limbs through white powder.

It's not that I'm just realizing we're having a baby. I've been on board with that for quite some time. But this will not always be a baby. She will be a person, a real little person, for whom I will be the one to keep her happiness, her ideas of the world, her thoughts of life and love. She will do things like craft projects and snow angels. She will make mistakes and tell me she hates me because I won't let her listen to country music because of the misogynistic messages (I'm just assuming).


All of these thoughts began intruding my mind and I lost my breath. It literally felt like I couldn't find it anymore. When Shawn realized what was happening, he jumped off his couch to come console me. He looked me in the eye and helped me find my breath again. It was almost an eerie forecast of some synchronized breathing we may find ourselves practicing again soon...but I digress.


The strangest thing about it was that I was happy. Panicked, yes. Not being able to breathe presents a problem. However, they were joyful tears running down my face. I am going to be a mother. To a daughter. She will experience, love, learn, grow, and be her own person. But she'll still need a mother to show her how to get off the ground without leaving footprints.

Who will you be? Your mother's daughter, that's who you will be.